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"Old Farts"

Founded December 16, 2001

     

   

Jokes & Cartoons


'OLD' IS WHEN..... your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!' 

'OLD' IS WHEN.... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.  

'OLD' IS WHEN.... a sexy woman catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN.... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN.... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of  the police. 

'OLD' IS WHEN.... getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN..... 'getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 

'OLD' IS WHEN..... an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to go to the toilet.








The Cruelest Form Of Eye Test For Old Farts






Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive...

You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

When reversing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear a crunch.

It scares you to drive the speed limit.

The only things you pass on the road anymore are bicycles.... maybe.

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

You use cruise control at 25 mph.  Oh yes, and you're still thinking in mph.

 You enquired if the dealership could install a magnifying windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

Your bumper sticker endorses Robert Stanfield.

Parallel parking is a 20 minute workout.

Parking between the lines is an option.

 When the RCMP pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.








25 Signs That You're An Old Fart

1. Your houseplants are alive, but you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.

6 You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.


9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald 's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

Bonus
:


26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt, then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it too.




First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
But it's worse when you forget to pull it down.



I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.



You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.



When you are dissatisfied  and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra class.



Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.



A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,  "I'm wondering then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."



Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.



Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!



An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you're going to forget everything I told you."



An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."



There was an old man who was married to a very young woman. The old man was at the doctors for a check-up and the doctor said, "Sir today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample."

The old man looks at his young wife and says, "What did he say?"

His wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."



The Catholic Bishop might quit if he reads this one....

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time. Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip. The two complained of some sort of illness and the nurse told them to say put.

When the coach with the elders had pulled, away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the man's bedroom.

As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed, the man asked the women did she like anything special done to her?

"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.

So the man ventured downwards. After five minutes the man came back up.

"Any wrong?" asked the woman.

"Well yes, there’s a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there," said the man.

"Oh" said the woman. "That must be my arthritis."

"In your vagina?" enquired the man.

"No," answered the woman. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my ass!!!



A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor'! And me....................... I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Mexican!"



A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"



Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."



Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids, which allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"



A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!



A man decided to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spent $5,000 and felt really good about the results. On his way home, he stopped at a newsstand and bought a paper.

Before leaving, he said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You're 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was standing in line behind you at McDonalds."



Old Farts Exam

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c.. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II?

a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?

a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

2. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"

a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a.. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?

a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
--------------------------------------
ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top

4. a) Blackjack Gum

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil

6. a) 1946 Studebaker

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease

12.. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free

19. a) The all male, all black group: The Ink Spots

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today
----------------------------------------
SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime
 


 


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